make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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