Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
