I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize