you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
