Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
