Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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