Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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