She's like a pop up book from hell.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
