What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
pop tarts are not kleenex
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
