I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Randomize
