i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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