I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
