8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize