Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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