God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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