I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
as a side note pls kill me
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
