I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
