Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Randomize
