If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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