everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
