I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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