they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
