Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
