I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Randomize
