Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Randomize
