I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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