New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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