My sheets look like a crime scene.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
