i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
