just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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