Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
I'm getting married
To pizza
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize