i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
