shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Randomize
