I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
