I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
