wrigley field is MILF paradise
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
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