Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
