I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
