My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
