hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
