You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
