Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
