i barfeds in our rink
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
