Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
