I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
