He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
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