He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
