You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
