I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
