My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
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