I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
