"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Randomize
