Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Randomize
