Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
