mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
