I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
