The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
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